Now that we’ve recapped 2015’s most memorable moments, for better or worse, it’s time to look ahead to 2016. Here’s a list of Ahummas Anonymous’s wishes for the new year, however impossible they may seem (hey, I said wishes, not predictions).
Lay leaves Exo
I have no idea why Lay’s still in Exo. He has his own studio and is barely present for group activities, and I forget he’s still in the group half the time. Oh wait, I just answered my own question. Well, I want him to leave anyway because I enjoy watching Exo-L fandom burn, and the probability of another amazing offering like this, this, or this fills me with glee.
The fall of hep-hap
And I don’t mean K hip-hop artists who know what the fuck they’re doing or are, at the very least, more or less capable at their craft. I’m talking about the epidemic of faux hep-hap idol groups creating bad music while conducting themselves like J-Roc from the Trailer Park Boys minus the humor or self-awareness. If they’re not clogging up omonatheydidnt’s cultural insensitivity/racism tag with their shenanigans (yes, I am aware that plenty of non-hip-hop idols do problematic things, but it seems particularly concentrated in this subgenre), they’re just being embarrassing and looking like idiots, and considering that a U-KISS fan is saying they are embarrassing and looking like idiots, that’s something. I was actually fine with ignoring them when there were only a couple running around, but the market has become so overly saturated you can’t throw a flaming bag of poo without hitting one of them in his overpriced basketball jersey. Are we not at critical mass yet?
VIXX back on their game again
2015 was a tough year to be a VIXX fan—unless of course you’re one of those unconditional love-type fans who genuinely believes their fave’s shit instantly turns to gold, in which case 2015 was probably great for you. I, however, am not that type of fan, and VIXX are going to have to come out swinging in 2016 to redeem themselves. To be clear, I really am not asking for much—just another badass concept with a little more effort and creativity put into it than “mildly better than your standard SM offering that isn’t SHINee.” I need assurance that they’re not falling into the rut many moderately successful boy bands fall into—once they achieve initial success and establish a sufficiently deranged and devoted fanbase, proceed to release a couple halfassed songs a year to remind people they exist while the company spends their money on the next up-and-coming cash cow. Wait, aren’t there murmurs of a future Jellpi girl group? Is it too early to start drinking?
Pledis dusts off a group that isn’t Seventeen
Apparently Pledis is planning (key word “planning,” a.k.a. I’ll believe it when I see it) NU’EST and Orange Caramel comebacks. It’s a common fandom belief that Pledis is broke and comebacks from NU’EST or AS will send them right back into the red they were miraculously saved from by Seventeen, but because I have enough brain cells to rub together to see how utterly stupid this sounds, I know this is not true. But hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. I’m inclined to believe kpopalypse over randos on the internet seeing as he claims to have experience in the industry and the alternative would only make sense if a) Pledis knows a NU’EST comeback will drain their finances and are doing it anyway because NU’EST is just that important to them, I guess; or b) Pledis is legitimately too stupid to see the diminishing returns of every NU’EST comeback and thinks this time around will be profitable (but of course we, as fans, know better because we can look on wikipedia and have better business sense than the group’s own fucking company). Frankly, I don’t see how anyone could believe that. This is not to say I don’t believe companies can and do make decisions that seem incomprehensible from a fan standpoint, but I also admit I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, and I’d rather defer to someone who does know what the fuck they’re taking about and not say stupid crap on the internet and have some asshole blogger think I’m a brainless delulu fanperson and make fun of me on their blog.
A proper Girl’s Day comeback
I really loved “Ring My Bell” despite the fact that everyone else seemed to hate it, but everyone else also loved “Chained Up” so I’m not too big on popular fandom opinions these days. What I will agree on, however, is that RMB had the most half-assed, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it promos since Black Swan, and the group won’t even be appearing on the Gayos. I’m uncertain if the promos were cut short due to the era being shrouded in scandal, to accommodate members’ individual schedules, or cutting their losses given SNSD’s Reign of Error this summer, but whatever the reason, it was a tough year to be a Girl’s Day fan. Here’s hoping 2016 delivers us a proper comeback with proper promos and less stupid ass “scandals” about nothing, unless it’s a VIXX N/Sojin sex tape, because that’s one scandal I am here for (but only if someone leaks the tape).
Girl’s Day Sojin and Infinite Woohyun solos that aren’t fucking boring ballads
I already had to deal with one crappy solo song from a fave that inexplicably slayed and one excellent solo song from a fave that inexplicably flopped so for once can my personal opinions be in line with financial success for my faves? Just once?
B1a4 releases a bop
A popular male group I don’t care about self-destructs in a spectacular wankfest
I suffered through the Exocalypse and MBLAQout in 2014, it’s time for me to enjoy the misery of others for once.
Dal Shabet, Nine Muses, and Rainbow finally prosper
LOL just kidding, it’ll never happen. But Dal Shabet has already delivered the first bona fide bop of the year, so I’m hoping my favorite hapless girl groups stay around long enough to release more high quality music and visuals.
A dating scandal I can get behind
Make it happen, 2016. *Adjusts tin hat*