Review: U-KISS “She’s Mine” or “Phallic Symbols, Not-Gays, and WTF”

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I’m starting to believe NHM are U-KISS’s biggest antis.

U-KISS has not had an easy time of it lately. I know, I know—not that they ever do, but some noteworthy recent mishaps include NHM’s crowdfunding clusterfuck, followed by Dongho’s departure from the group. For fans who’d been following U-KISS for a while, the latter came as no surprise, but was nonetheless unwelcome. While I personally do not begrudge Dongho his reasons for leaving, his presence will be missed. He could always be counted on to keep it real and I can only imagine how glorious he would’ve been amidst this fuckery.

This comeback is a  mess. I have no other way to put it delicately (but to be fair, since when have I ever put anything delicately?). Perhaps the bar has been set too high by the flawlessness that was “Standing Still” (seriously, I could go on for pages about how fucking glorious that concept and song were) or maybe after a string of awesome songs they were due for another stinker. I don’t know. A lot of fans didn’t care for Dora Dora and while it isn’t their strongest single, at least it was catchy and enjoyable and included some great… er, choreo.

And at least Dora Dora (and the bland “Believe”) looked like some effort was put into them. “She’s Mine” is just a low-budget clusterfuck that can only be redeemed if I desperately hang onto the notion that it’s satire, but even if it is, faux hip-hop idol group satire has already been done epically and ain’t nobody going to top that, at least not anyone from a company whose budget is about this big:

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I admit I’m also mad because the early promo images being released  promised a glorious steampunk-ish concept:

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So naturally I started imagining a dramatic noir-ish MV in the vein of Big Bang’s “Tell Me Goodbye” and it was all so beautiful.

And then this faux hip-hop bullshit happens.

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What the fuck, NHM? Where is my steampunk??? What is this fuckery???

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Anyway, the song starts with Eli rapping. Yeah. Now, Eli doing an awkward English intro I can handle. Some great songs have started with an awkward Eli English intro. Rapping, however?

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So now we’ve got Eli and AJ cosplaying a low-rent GD and Taeyang

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Actually, the entire song sounds like NHM sifted through YG’s dumpster and put together the various scraps they fished out. I don’t even know what they were trying to accomplish. Did UBEAT teach them nothing? U-KISS has never been able to pull off a hip-hop concept. Ever. Do you really expect me to believe these assholes are remotely gangsta?

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My thoughts exactly, Eli.

Shit, I’m agreeing with Eli. This video is fucking with me and I’m not even 30 seconds in.

To be fair, NHM might not be trolling, but I definitely think some of the members are. AJ is clearly having fun with this; his ridiculous hammy poses are proof of that. Soohyun’s pretty openly clowning around, which we’ll see later on. It’s hard to tell with Kevin and Hoon (to be fair, Hoon’s always a mess; concepts only determine what variety of mess) and Kiseop—

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This video suddenly got way better.

My thoughts exactly, AJ.

O SHIT

Shut up Hoon.

Meanwhile, Kevin appears to be searching for his dignity.

Sadly, it seems to be nowhere to be found.

“Hey, I survived UBEAT.”

But he’ll survive. He’s been through worse.

I know, Soohyunf. I did the same thing when I first saw this video.

I can’t decide if Kevin’s trying to euthanize himself or is into erotic asphyxiation. The first, I can understand. The second… is kind of hot.

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As for Soohyun… well, I’ll let him speak for himself.

O hayyyyyy

Hoon, I thought I told you to shut the fuck up.

Kevin, meanwhile, is formulating a diabolical plan to get even with NHM.

Soohyun continues to not give a fuck

O hayyyy

Kevin and AJ show us how many IQ points went into the conception of this video.

O hayyyyy

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This is basically the entire video. Kevin being embarrassed, Eli being embarrassing (per usual), Hoon being a mess (also per usual), Kiseop being hot and slutty (also per usual), and AJ and Soohyun trolling.  Oh, and there were also some random girls and phallic symbols to provide the not-gays. Which were as effective as ever (read: not at all).

In the process of recapping, I admit I have come to hate this video a little less, if only because it brought a great deal of unintentional humor. But then I think of the steampunk concept that could’ve been and I’m mad again.

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