Man, recapping music videos is hard work. I usually have to watch them several times to catch everything. And sometimes I need to do some research, watch some behind the scenes footage. So recapping U-KISS, yeah, really hard work. But lucky for you, I am willing to put myself through this to deliver you fresh recaps.

U-KISS have returned with “Stop Girl,” their strongest single since “Neverland,” despite the fact that these are probably the last words any female in close proximity to U-KISS would want to hear. This time, U-KISS are trying for a smoother, classier sound and concept than their usual sluttacular Eurotrash. And you know what? I ain’t even mad. This shit is hot. We’re talking fuckin’ music here. The song has a silky-smooth R&B beat just made for getting down to.  Soohyun, I’m available, just so you know. But it’s also pop enough to be catchy, and it’s really a crime it isn’t charting better. Come on, losers, we’ve got six hot guys here doing body rolls and being suave motherfuckers. What more are you asking for? But then, we do live in a world that thinks the sexiest thing out there is glorified Twilight fan fiction, and let’s be real: gay Koreans >>>>>>>>>>>>> gay vampires.

Christian Grey, eat your heart out.

But wait–doesn’t U-KISS have seven members? They do, but they’re currently one man down. AJ is in the US getting laid studying at Columbia University, presumably so he can return and write lyrics about calculus equations rather than simple algebra. He and his attractiveness are greatly missed. In the meantime, Eli is thoroughly embarrassing himself taking up the slack. I love Eli.

Speaking of embarrassing, this MV is also the first time since “Shut Up” that the directors embarked on a largely unsuccessful attempt at the not-gays. In “Shut Up,” a Selena Gomez lookalike was paid to rub up on the guys and be all seductive. Except all anyone was really paying attention to was the absurd amount of homoeroticism in that MV that had all the subtlety of a Mack truck.

No homo.

This time, instead of a Disney star lookalike model, the choreographers chose to use female backup dancers. This is U-KISS’s first time with female backup dancers, and it brings… mixed results.

“Stop Girl” is also the first real attempt since “Shut Up” to make Kevin seem manly, and it worked just as well this time around. OK, maybe slightly better. He looks pretty suave in those suits, and it’s a more natural look than black leather and creatine abs. Unf. But then he has a solo with a female dancer, involving some moves that would be super hot if the boy could just make it seem authentic.

“Hey girl, can you share your skin care tips with me? Your complexion looks amazing!”

I wonder how many takes they had to do for the MV because he sure isn’t bringing it in live performances. Come on, Kevin. Put some effort into it. I don’t know, pretend she’s Kiseop or something.

Soohyun also has a solo with a female dancer, and to his credit, he’s more convincing. At least he doesn’t look like he’d be struck with terror should he find himself anywhere near a vagina. Speaking of which, good Lord, Soohyun is bangin’ in this MV. I can’t even deal with him. Seriously, you guys. I am like the wolf in Red Hot Riding Hood. Come to noona, Soohyunf.

The coordi noonas have demonstrated evidence they know what’s up by dressing Kiseop in sleeveless tops, treating us to some delightful arm porn. And he has lines! Several lines! Oh happy day.

But the coordi noonas giveth and the coordi noonas taketh away. For some reason, they felt a need to stick some weird hair extension from Claire’s (or the Korean equivalent) to a fedora and drop it on Dongho’s head. Like what the fuck is that? Hasn’t the poor little sociopath been through enough?

Well, at least it’s better than the corn rows?

Hoon is a hot mess as always, but for once he isn’t the most embarrassing person here. Eli, what the fuck happened to your head? Did you lose a bet? Did you stick your hair in a woodchopper? What’s wrong with your haaaaaaaaiiiirrr?

Also, why did someone decide to get all fancy in Final Cut Pro and make his hair look like, super yellow? If he looked like a tool before, now he looks like a tool who went way too hard with the Manic Panic. NH needs to stop hiring Twilight fanvid makers off youtube.

The MV doesn’t have a plot or anything, it’s just dancing and being attractive in weird settings. We’ve got pimp chairs and rooms that look like Apple stores and some huge chess board with a random knight piece. I actually quite like the chess board set and wish it had been used more. I feel like there was something unfinished about the concept, like the MV directors just threw together all these similar yet disparate elements and didn’t really do anything all that exciting with them. Lucky for us, we’re too distracted by the extreme pretty of the guys to care very much.

Wait, what pimp chair and IKEA lamp? I don’t see any pimp chair or IKEA lamp.

I guess NH was so proud of their work that they released two versions of the MV: a b/w one and a color one. While K-pop companies often release multiple versions of MVs—usually the full version and a dance version—this is the first time I’ve seen a b/w and color version. This diminishes my hope for a dance version, though NH did release a practice video that brought copious amounts of pretty. It is a sufficient peace offering.

Also, there’s an English version of the song included on the mini. I highly recommend it if you’re seeking some quality lulz. Brought by Eli, of course. He’s really bringing his A-game here with lines like “I’ve got you cornered girl/where you gonna go/up against the wall like an animal.” Truly what every girl wants to hear. Although judging by the reaction of tumblr fangirls, that statement might actually be accurate.

Yeah, I got game coming out the butt.

So, do I recommend this MV? It’s U-KISS, so of course I do. However, I also recommend you pick up some fresh batteries. For your iPod, of course. What did you think I was talking about? Good God, you perverts.

NOTE: As always, I don’t claim credit for all of these gifs. I made some of them, but not all.

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