My apologies for being gone so long, my lovelies. But I’m back now, with a recap of the sublime U-KISS MV “Doradora” (and I ain’t taking about the explorer, although watching this MV will make you want to explore something). I will endeavor to make this recap as objective and unbiased as possible, as I am always greatly objective and unbiased when it comes to U-KISS.

Let’s jump in, shall we?

Now, if I were to sum up the MV in a succinct and eloquent sentence, it would probably be something like this:

THIS IS 3:40 OF PURE AND UNADULTERATED SLUTTY PRETTY BOY HEAVEN

But since this is an in-depth review, then we’re going to go deeply into it.

Now, there’s been criticism that “Doradora” isn’t as strong of a single as “Neverland.” At first listen, I am inclined to agree. However, I found that it grew on me, kind of like Dongho’s ass in tight pants (when is this kid going to be legal again?). The song’s not amazing (no pun intended) but it’s catchy and fun. And it has dubstep. You can’t go wrong with dubstep. Most importantly, it brings out the U-KISS I love. And that U-KISS is slutty, greasy, homoerotic Eurotrash awesomeness.

The MV doesn’t have a storyline, but with all the thrusting, gyrating, and flashing, it hardly needs one. Furthermore, as MBLAQ’s most recent endeavor shows, a storyline isn’t always a good thing. Let’s be real here. We’re not into K-pop for innovative and groundbreaking music. We’re in it for the flash, the spectacle, the catchy tunes, and the pretty, pretty boy flesh. This MV brings it all, and seeing as U-KISS possesses actual singing talent (OK, well, some of them do), the vocals make it all go down nice and smooth.

We open with the guys all lying around on a couch and everything is covered in spray paint. Dude, did they all just have a massive orgy and roll around in the stuff? The lights go out and the black light comes on, illuminating the paint and their white t-shirts. Nice wardrobe choice, guys. Hides the jizz stains.  Next we’ve got them dancing in a weird smoky room, again dressed mostly in white. Gotta love white pants. Have I ever mentioned how much I love white pants? These dance sequences are intercut with solo shots of the guys sitting on or in front of the couch. Yeah, just chillin’ on this couch after a massive spray-paint orgy.

Dongho’s jailbaiting it up in here. Maybe this his last hurrah since he turns legal in June and will no longer be destroying noonas during the next round of promotions. I ain’t complaining. And then we have this hip-rolling dance move vaguely reminiscent of slutty zombies. Or male strippers. Zombie strippers.

Yeah, Eli, you’re real cool.

Seriously his faces in this MV are GOLD. At least he looks good in that wifebeater though. And his huge thighs are practically bursting out of those white pants. Me gusta.

Next we’re in this weird bedroom full of IKEA décor and Kevin’s lying on a bed wearing a plaid blanket and doing the angsty emoting/eyesexing thing. Hoon wanders in all, “Yeah I’ma just stand here and sing and then creepily stare while Kevin writhes on a bed.” He’s wearing high-water pants and sneakers without socks, and our first glimpse of him is a closeup of his ankles. I guess the Amish chicks need something to swoon over.  I should also mention the camera trick that puts him on the wall (or the floor, for him? Idek) at a right angle to Kevin. ~*Artsy*~

We’re into the chorus now, and for some reason they cut to Hoon during Soohyun’s English line. It’s like, girl boner from Soohyun’s voice? TOO BAD. LET’S KILL IT NOW (Sorry Hoon fans, I love to shade him. But I shade out of LOVE). They do show us Soohyun on the second repeat though, and he’s doing what he does best—hitting it hard and hitting it good. Oh yeah, Soohyun. You hit it.

Did I mention U-KISS’s girlfriend ban has been lifted? I’m currently available right now, just so they know. I have a weakness for men with neck moles, 6-pack abs, and the ability to belt notes that will shatter glass and lady parts. Please leave a comment on this website if you meet this description and enjoy American noonas with a penchant for porn and a good turn of phrase. We’ll do lunch. Thanks.

So next we cut to Hoon swirling around on some weird background (yeah, I don’t even know) and I see he’s trying to reel me in with my kryptonite, black leather. Yeah, it’s not working. It’s OK, though, I’m sure a lot of Amish chicks are feeling him.  This weird swirl shot shows up quite often in this MV, actually. Kiseop’s next, looking Eurotrash-tastic in tight red trousers and a black fishnet shirt.

YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND, KISEOP, RIGHT ROUND.

Also, nice feet, asshole. The sound you hear right now is millions of Amish chicks having orgasms. And Quentin Tarantino.

Now we have Hoon creepily watching Soohyun writhing around on the bed. Hoon, you are a fucking creeper. Even more so than me.

At least he has good taste in creeping, though.

Aww yeah, Soohyun. You ~*emote*~ that line.

Um, guys? Kevin’s suspenders are backwards. And his t-shirt is way too big. It looks like he got dressed too fast and accidentally grabbed Eli’s shirt before putting his suspenders on backwards. I’m just going to let that mental picture simmer for a bit.

Kiseop reveals his true calling as a male stripper.

I mean, come on. COME ON. He is completely ridiculous in this video. I’m not sure if my gifs and eloquent descriptions can truly express the amazing beauty that is Kiseop in Doradora. It must be seen to be believed. I’ll do my best, though.

You’re welcome.

Also, nice undies, asshole.

OK and what in the love of heathus is this dance move, guys? Seriously?

Next we have Kevin singing and gazing angstily at his fingers curled around a phallic shaped object.

Like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our slutty K-pop boy lives.

They really are making this way too easy.

Now we’ve got some new weird room and new weird outfits and holy mother of unf, Soohyun in black leather. He also looks deliciously sweaty while he and Kevin gyrate and feel themselves up. I SEE THAT CHEEKY SMILE, ASSHOLE.

Excuse me, I need a moment.

OK I’m back. Have a gif of the sexiest man alive, because I can:

Next we have the rap bridge with the dubstep. I like how it’s kind of integrated into the song, unlike most K-pop songs, when the song just stops and all of a sudden BOOM DUBSTEP. We’ve got Eli rapping and posturing like the sublime douchebag he is and AJ rapping like the sublime GQMF he is despite that ridiculous hair and yellow pants. Yeah, not touching the yellow pants. Unless it’s to remove them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he lopped off that overprocessed strawlike tumbleweed he had on his head before, but the red spray-painted streaks, dude. I guess he forgot to wash them out after the spray-paint orgy?

Going into the final chorus and we get a random shot of Dongho grabbing a book. And now AJ, Hoon, and Eli are creepily watching Kevin on the bed and Dongho’s just chilling over there reading his book like “W/E MAN I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU CREEPERS.”

He would.

Kevin really lets out his inner slut-tasticness here, too (granted, even more than the rest of the video). I never knew he had it in him. I’m impressed, Kev. He takes the sluthood a step further in the amazing lives of this song, taking a page from Kiseop’s book and flashing us all.

OK, it’s official. I love this song.

We finish with a final dramatic pose of them all putting their best sides forward:

Well, except Kevin. Not sure why. For a skinny guy, he’s got a caboose. Maybe the Kevcaboose would be TMTH after all of his sluttiness. I’m going with that.

All in all, a truly delightful viewing and listening experience. I shall leave you with Kiseop and his nip:

Enjoy.

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